“Dawn over Ruby Ridge” Page 2

Grace in Chaos

Winter 2006

Lord, are you telling me to write?
But of what? I do not know
My life is in such chaos
I've lost the easy flow

My joy has up and fled
My comfort has as well
"Write from where you're at"
But Lord, what could I tell?

"Do not question Me!"
"My child I AM GOD!"
But Lord, You have my answers
Without them I'm a fraud!

"My child you are so stubborn
You must place your trust in Me
Even when My Word seems silent
Even when you cannot see"

Yes Lord, I will write…
But please, motivate my pen
Help me now to trust in You
And live free once again.

God loves me. And He loves you. That is a tough one to try to wrap your brain around. In fact, it is trying to wrap our brain around it that gets us all in so much trouble. This is not something that can logically be explained away. No, this is not logical territory. This is a matter of the heart. That mysterious, illogical, uncontrollable part of you. The part of you that makes you You. The part of you that if you have lived long enough, has been broken and bruised, trampled and stepped on. The part that no one listens close enough to hear screaming out for help, for healing. The part that you keep closed off to the world, and anyone in it, that might cause you pain. The part you constantly battle to control. Aren't you exhausted with that yet? This is the time to take a chance and be a bit irrational……before we collapse inside our barricade of self defenses…..we must try….just try……to open our hearts……to the Healer, the One who created them in the first place…

"For God so loved the world that He gave
His only begotten Son,
that whosoever believes in Him should not perish
but have everlasting life."

John 3:16

The years I spent suffering with depression showed up in my writing. The days and months following Ruby Ridge were wrought with fear and the pain of loss. Sometimes the only way for me to get it out, was to write. Poems would come to me in my darkest times and looking back at them speaks volumes as to how lost I was, how in need I was, of a Savior.

Sadness

April 1993

Inside my prison
It is cold and chill
Where light does not penetrate
And sharp words kill

Cold stares like death
Piercing eyes
Making me shiver
Telling me lies

A place where hope does not enter
And tears always fall
Where love is a question
And you have no soul at all

In shadowy corners
Death lingers near
With sharp icy fingers
I am overwhelmed with fear

What is my future?
Could it be like the past?
Where wanting to live
Disappears so fast?

Where you want to lie down and quit
Or give up and die
Or shut out the world
And forever cry?

I silently scream
But there is no one to listen
While tears of eternity
Sparkle and glisten

I am drowning in a sea
Of my own broken dreams
While they stand back and watch
My spirit as it screams

It grasps at a straw
For one breath of life
But is slowly being smothered
By fear, pain and strife

What is my future?
This question I ask
When all I can see
Is my upcoming cask

I have no interests
In this world where I live
It has stolen and destroyed
All I could give

Please help me someone!
Take away my fright
Direct me and guide me
Give me some light!

Only you can save me
In my private world of despair
Or have I progressed too far?
Am I beyond repair?

"For You have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
and my feet from falling.
I will walk before the Lord
in the land of the living."

Psalm 116:8-9

This is one poem that I wrote before I knew the Lord. It was printed in 1998 in the book my dad and I self-published. Looking back over the events that led to Ruby Ridge, I know in my heart, that it was fear on both the sides of the government, and our family, that caused so much destruction.

A Demon called Fear

Winter 1997

Where are we all headed?
I call it the yellow brick road to hell
Jesters prowl the alley ways
Looking for souls to sell

Demons adorned with glowing eyes
Hunt you in the night
Your thoughts are scattered in the wind
There is only room for fright

They have stolen your souls and held you in chains
Feasting upon your fear
And never failed to remind you
The Grim Reaper is always near

There is no one to stop this madness
Except one….and that is you
Will your fear let them continue the game?
What are you going to do?

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear,
but of power and of love
and of a sound mind."

2 Timothy 1:7

Many years following Ruby Ridge, and after suffering with depression on and off throughout those years, I began to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know God had His hand on me when I wrote the following poem, though I did not know it at the time. He was wooing me with His love before I even had a clue that He cared. I felt a weight beginning to come off of my shoulders, shoulders stooped with the burden of sadness and loss. Young shoulders not designed to carry the weight of the world, but carrying it nonetheless. I sensed hope and freedom for the first time, an end to my hiding…….

My Day

December 12, 2002

Letting go of the anger
Letting go of the pain
Peace and tranquility
Are fighting to reign

The darkest of nights
Are setting me free
Giving way to new dawns
Quiet moments to be

Light as the feathers
On the freest of birds
A chain falls from my heart
Through these written words

I like these new emotions
That have for so long been strange
Taking time out to breath
In a world so deranged

I'm tired of the running
And hiding away
So bring on the sunshine
Today is my day.

When I am feeling the sharp pains of loss, the story of Lazarus in the Bible gives me so much comfort and hope. Very early in my healing process, God revealed to me that though Jesus had the power to raise Lazarus from the dead, Jesus still wept when He had heard of Lazarus' death. Jesus knows how we feel when we suffer loss…..it is easy to forget in the midst of our pain, but He says He counts our tears……..

"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes;
there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor
crying.
there shall be no more pain.."

Revelation 21:4