Like so many, many families, divorce eventually wreaked it's havoc upon mine. Leaving emotional carnage in its wake, I believe some things we will only find complete answers for, in heaven………..
Sometimes it seems like life can just be too much. I have a bad habit of looking back when "things didn't seem so hard"…..back before Ruby Ridge when I still had my mom…..back before my divorce when I could still tuck my child into bed every night…..back when it seemed that there was still some innocence that hadn't been stolen from me. When the world starts to press in, I have two choices. I can surrender to the pressure and fall apart or I can surrender to my Maker and rest. The latter is far better than the former… and the only answer that spells out peace.
"Jesus, I once again surrender to You. Mold me, make me, I am Yours. Thank You that You are always there."
I am a total Daddy's girl at heart. Wherever my dad was, was where I wanted to be. Out on the ranch with the cows, looking for tools or parts to fix a busted tractor, or cutting firewood; that was my heaven as a child. When I was born, my dad had hoped for a boy, and I was determined to be the best tomboy there ever was to win his approval. I got very good at anticipating what tool my dad may need next working on the task at hand and made sure I was always one step ahead to help him out any way I could. I was dying to please him. Just to hear he was proud of me. Sound familiar? Are you trying to win someone's approval and falling short? In my mind I always fell short. Never quite good enough. My dad would brag about me to others when I wasn't around, but I never knew that until I was an adult. He was and is very proud of me, I just never heard him say it. This started a vicious cycle in me of people pleasing. My mom was a perfectionist and I had inherited that trait. Combined with insecurity, it is a recipe for exhaustion. This was the world's way of protecting myself from being hurt. Not God's way.
What I didn't know was that my heavenly Father was already proud of me and loved me unconditionally. I didn't and don't have to perform for His love. God's love is perfect, complete and fulfilling. GOD IS LOVE. He is for me, not against me.
